you have felt my humiliation didn't despise my frustration  looked at my heart and saw it's sickness touched my thought and felt it's weakness  you showed me you wanted to heal me your desire to bring the smile back to my face for i've become a broken boat in my stormy see anchored to the despair i embrace  but now i can see you calming down the wind writing to this gloomy chapter an end  and now i can see the mile on your face spreading the light all over the place  haha, now i can find a rest in a smile making this moment worth the while  now after all is silenced and in peace i can listen to your sweet stream transforming my spread ashes into one beautiful piece now i can share your dream  setting for me a road of healing I'm happy with this song we are both appealing  this sea has become a shinning one enjoyed by my eye so pretty reflecting the beauty of the sky  reminding me of the day you drew it all breathing a colorful spring out of a dead fall  but the point is that you made everything out of nothing this "nothing" word I'm scared of you made everything out of this "nothing"

A while ago I didn’t use to ask myself  how did he think of me or how did she think of me.

The way I used to look at myself was from my own eyes not other’s eyes.

Lately I started to see myself through the others’ eyes, why was that ? I believe it’s because I am not satisfied by myself and because my eyes no longer  think I am good enough. So I started to judge my self and think of my self the same way people around me think of me, and then the problem started and I will give few examples .

- when I do something  that seems wrong in someone eyes  ,not necessary wrong but maybe (not good enough) or ( could have done better ) I start questioning my self get sad and frustrated WHILE I know that according to my personality , my character , my capabilities and my opinion that this is the best thing to do or the best thing I can do.

-I no longer have goals of my own or approaches of my own I think in my head this way : “ I am going to it this way , mmm no, what would X think of that mm, no I should do it his/her way ( X’s way ) “ ,that lead me to do the following

                - if I am going to do something there are 2 possibilities

                                1- do it X’s way .

                                2- do X’s thing not my thing.

And this lead to that I do nothing I like because I am doing X’s things , and the things I like to do , no longer feel pleasure or excited about it because I am doing it X’s way.

This thing is simply my life.

And you can imagine how it is too weary ,heavy and makes me tired and loaded all the time.

This kind of life is just plane gray, colorless.

So I decided to go back to who I really am, if my own eyes see I am not enough if I see myself not good enough ill love myself and be better one for myself,

It’s not easy but it is going to work I am going to be myself and ill pray to be myself.

As first start I didn’t write an article maybe for 8 months and now I am writing one that means I am getting back to who I am, and let me say to you if you love doing something and stopped doing it because you looked at it from others’ eyes then shut those eyes and look at it from yours, its valuable in your eyes, you love it, so don’t stop doing it, it’s maybe a talent, a gift or just something you enjoy ,it’s a part of you and God gave it to you so that you enjoy it, and have it in your life.

I have one more thing , since I am getting back to be myself,  questions are playing drums in my head,

-Am I going to close the door for God ? , will I no longer ask for his opinion ? will I no longer share myself with him?, my thoughts ,my ideas, my questions, my dreams? .

-If I find something bad in me and not pleasing God and it really needs to be changed, how does God going to react about it, is he going to blame me ? , is he going to be mad at me ? because if this is God’s reaction then I am afraid that the same thing of not being myself is going back again, this time not because of people but because of God : (   . and in everything I am going to do I am going to ask myself is this what God wants me to do ? ( and I mean here doing normal or good things or something I love ,not sin )  and I’ll start running in the same wheel again.

But thank God that his reaction is not what I mentioned, his reaction is the following:

In James 1 : “2My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”

I bolded verse 5, because it’s saying if I lack something, God is not going to get mad at me, instead he is offering giving me that thing I lack, like wisdom as it’s written above,  wow it’s a relief, I don’t have to be  afraid of God because if I want to be myself it’s not something he is against because he loves me as I am (

Romans 5:6 For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him. 10 For if when we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. 11 And not only that, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation.)

And the things I lack I don’t have to be afraid of him because of it, or have to hate myself because of it, ill ask him to give it to me as this is what he wants, and I should remind myself that he is this way : “ who gives to all liberally and without reproach “.

And another thing :

(proverbs 3:11 My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD, Nor detest His correction;

12 For whom the LORD loves He corrects,  Just as a father the son in whom he delights.)

That’s all. Thanks for reading ,leave any comments if you like to. Thanks again

Have a nice day.